Who, and what, are you responsible for?
Do you feel like you’re responsible for carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders? Do you struggle to say no to anyone or anything? Are you just exhausted by trying to be everything to everyone?
I’m all too familiar with these feelings. For many years I was the people-pleaser, caretaker, perfectionist who was constantly taking on more and more and more to make sure everyone was taken care of and everything was done perfectly. And it was EXHAUSTING!
At first I survived on my reserves. Once those were depleted I turned to energy drinks.
Finally, I was so burnt out I ended up curled up under my desk at work each afternoon crying. I was so exhausted, overwhelmed, and frustrated and I needed to release some of that pressure each afternoon.
When even that finally became unsustainable, I knew something needed to change. And a big piece of that change was learning what healthy boundaries look like.
So if you were hoping a solution to those first few questions was a great energy drink recommendation or a productivity technique to magically multiply the hours you have in your day, I hate to disappoint you, but that’s not the answer.
Learning how to start saying no
As hard as it might be to hear, when you’ve reached this point, the only answer is learning how to say no. Because there are only 24 hours in a day, and you have a limited amount of energy. And at some point the diminishing returns on those productivity techniques and caffeinated beverages become inconsequential.
This is a really big topic, but there are two key points I want to cover today.
The first is every yes is also a no. The second is the question of who and what you’re actually responsible for.
Every yes is also a no
When you say yes to something, you’re saying no to anything else you could have used that time, energy, or other resource for.
Let’s look at a really tangible example. Imagine you receive a $50 Amazon gift card, you look at your wishlist and are torn between a waffle maker and sheets for your bed. Both cost $50. If you say yes to the waffle maker, you’re saying no to using that gift card for the sheets, and vice versa. Maybe you want both of them, so you decide to use money from your weekly budget to buy them both and give up your fancy morning coffee for the week. Again, yes to purchasing both is a no to your coffee.
Now let’s think about your time. When you say yes to helping a coworker finish their last minute project that means saying no to anything else you’d be doing with that time. If you’re working late it means you won’t be able to get to the yoga classes you’d planned on or be home to make dinner or spend time with your kids before they go to bed.
What are you saying yes to? What are you saying no to?
So if you’re struggling to get through everything on your to-do list each day. And if you listened to the last episode and you’re struggling to figure out how to fill your tea cup faster then it drains, getting really intentional on what you’re saying yes to and what you’re saying no to is a great exercise to start.
To help you with the process, I’ve created a six question Boundary Quick Start Guide. This simple flow chart will walk you through the process of considering your options and making the decision that’s right for you. You can get your copy using the form below.
Who are you responsible for?
Take a moment and brainstorm a list of people you’re responsible for. Feel free to pause the podcast and even write this down.
Ok, I’ll let you in on a secret, this is a little bit of a trick question.
Did you just run through a laundry list of people?
Scroll through your list – mentally, or on paper, put a check next to any children you are a primary caregiver for and who are under the age of one.
Put a circle next to any children you are a primary caregiver for and are between the ages of one and eighteen.
Put a circle next to anyone with a mental or physical disability that renders them unable to care for themselves in part, or in full, and you are the primary (or one of the primary) caregivers for.
And put a check next to yourself.
Anyone left on your list, cross them off.
Those people with the checks, those are the only ones you are 100% responsible for. The circles, those are people who may need your support and are either learning to develop boundaries and care for themselves, or perhaps don’t have the capacity to fully care for themselves. The question of how much responsibility and what type you have for those people with circles next to their names will be a case-by-case basis.
Everyone else on your list, those people you crossed off and in part those people with circles next to their names. Those are people you’re responsible TO, but not responsible FOR.
The difference between responsible FOR and responsible TO
Here’s the difference. . .
We are responsible FOR ourselves. That includes taking ownership for our thoughts, feelings, actions (and inactions), and the way we show up and live in the world.
We are responsible FOR taking care of ourselves, making sure we have healthy boundaries and we’re getting the mental, physical, and emotional self-care we need to fill our tea cups up. (If you haven’t heard me talk about the tea cup analogy before, or if you need a refresher, check out episode 4 of this podcast.)
We are responsible TO others. When we’ve filled our tea cups so full they overflow into the saucer, we’re able to give of that overflow to others. However, this still requires clear boundaries and an understanding of where giving is helping and where it’s enabling.
What you are NOT responsible for
Just as important as knowing what we are responsible for is knowing what we are NOT responsible for.
We are not responsible for others thoughts, feelings, actions (and inactions). While we can’t make someone think or feel a certain way, that doesn’t remove our responsibility to simply be caring and compassionate humans, the golden rule of treating others as you would wish to be treated is a great touchstone here.
Additionally, we are not responsible for things that are out of our control. We can’t control the weather. We can’t control the decisions of others. And we can’t control the things that happen as the result of the decisions of others with the exception or our own personal reaction to them.
This is another one where it makes sense intellectually, but it can be tricky knowing when we give TO others, in a way that helps instead of enables.
Helping vs. enabling
I’m a sensitive, emotional, and empathic person. In the past, I would form relationships (romantic and platonic) with people who were less able to feel their feelings. I believed it was my job to do the emotional heavy lifting in those relationships. But by feeling for them, it meant I was allowing them to avoid being responsible FOR their own emotions.
When we enable others by taking on something they should be responsible for (even if we’re just giving from our saucer and not our tea cup), we send them a disempowering message. We’re telling them we don’t trust they’re responsible enough or able to take care of themselves. We send the message that we know how to live their lives better than they do. And we send the message that there’s no reason for them to be responsible for themselves, so they shouldn’t even bother trying.
Can you imagine if someone said that to you?
I’ve learned over the years that helping comes into play when someone is bearing a burden beyond the boundaries of the normal things they should be responsible for.
I think of this as if someone switched out my purse for a 5-gallon bucket full of rocks. That bucket would be more weight than I could be expected to carry over my shoulder on a daily basis.
Helping often requires holding space rather than trying to solve problems. Picture how you would support a friend who was just ending a long-term relationship. You would lend a listening ear and a caring shoulder. You might show up with a pint of ice cream and their favorite rom-com. But you wouldn’t create a dating profile for them on Tinder.
Allowing others to take responsibility for themselves
It can be hard to step back and allow someone you’ve previously taken responsibility FOR to take responsibility for themselves. They might struggle. They might flounder.
But often we can’t start swimming back to the surface of the ocean until our feet have touched the bottom. What a disservice you would be doing keeping them suspended just off the bottom of the ocean floor – never giving them the chance to reorient themselves and swim for the surface.
What to do when everyone relies on you and you struggle to say no
Let’s quickly review – each time you say yes to something or someone, you’re saying no to anything else you could use that time, energy, or other resource for.
And you are responsible FOR yourself. We are each responsible TO each other. That means giving of the resources (mental, physical, and emotional), only beyond what we need to keep ourselves happy, healthy, and balanced, to others.
So going back to the question of what to do when you’re totally exhausted and overwhelmed trying to take care of everyone and everything and struggle to say no. The next step is to focus on a mindset shift.
I’ve offered two options in this episode – does one resonate with you more strongly than the other? Which one can you get curious with and start noticing how it’s showing up in your life. How can you start shifting the way you approach the requests and needs of others to reserve a little more energy for yourself to start refilling your tea cup?
Simple in theory – not always as easy in practice
While this sounds pretty simple in theory, in practice there can be a lot of stories that start coming into play. If you listened to the first episode of this podcast, you know that one of my stories was that everyone else’s needs were more important than my own. I needed to recognize that first as a myth and then release it in order to begin to start creating healthy boundaries.
If you could use support in this work, please schedule a Discovery Session with me. Let’s start the conversation by creating some clear action steps for constructing healthy boundaries that are specific to you and your life!
And if you’d love to dive in on your own, check out my Boundary Quiz which will guide you through determining how strong your boundary muscle is right now and offer a custom boundary building plan for where you are!
Thank you so much for joining me today for this episode! Please hit subscribe wherever you receive podcasts. If you’ve got a question that you’d love to hear addressed on a future episode, please submit it using the link in the Show Notes below.
And remember – living your best life isn’t about changing your life – it’s about changing the way you show up for your life! I’m sending you a great big hug – you’ve got this!
Show Notes
Additional Resources
Get the Boundaries Quick Start Guide using the form below.
Take the Quiz to see how strong your boundary muscle is right now and get your custom boundary building plan.
Schedule a Discovery Session with me.
Submit your question to be featured on a future episode.
[…] overcommitment starts with remembering every yes is also a no. I talked about this in Episode 5 where we covered who and what you’re actually responsible for. If you identify with the feeling […]
[…] Episode 5 we talked about the concept that every yes is also a no, and it’s an important one to revisit […]