How to stop feeling overwhelmed by your social obligations
Whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, it can be easy to become overwhelmed by your social calendar. So in this post, we’re diving into the best way to manage all the social activities in your life without feeling overwhelmed.
The secret the words you use tells
Sometimes the way we say things is as important as what we’re saying. In this case, the way the question posed by today’s questioner is phrased can tell us a lot about how we might begin to address it.
Today’s questioner notes they struggle to balance social obligations.
Obligation is a word often used to connote something we feel is expected of us but which we don’t actually want to be doing.
Were I working one-on-one with the questioner, this would be a great indicator to me we needed to start diving into some of the stories behind why they believe they need to attend these social events.
The next time you’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed, take a moment and listen to the words you’re using to describe what’s going on in your life. Get curious about how the language you choose might point you to the root of the problem instead of the symptoms.
Introverts vs. extroverts & how it impacts the way you manage social obligations
One more note before we dive into this question, I think it’s important we cover the difference between introverts and extroverts especially in the context of this question.
This is something I was confused about for a long time. Often we think of introverts as shy and extroverts as outgoing. And while that might be a natural inclination for both personality types, it isn’t actually the distinction between the two.
Introverts recharge better alone, and extroverts recharge better when spending time with others. So you could have an outgoing introvert and a shy extrovert – the key is not how many friends they have or how busy their social calendar is, but rather how they refill their mental and emotional energy reserves.
It’s important to understand which one you are in the context of this question. If you’re an extrovert, you’ll find some of these social events help fill you up, however if you’re an introvert you’ll notice social obligations almost always leave you feeling more drained than when you started.
Are you an introvert or an extrovert
Not sure which one you are? Take a moment and think about the last time you spent time with a small group of people you really enjoyed being with.
Now think about how you felt right after socializing with them.
If you felt nourished, refreshed and/or energized, chances are you’re an extrovert.
If you felt tired or depleted, chances are you’re an introvert. Introverts might also feel buzzy like they’ve had too much coffee after socializing – it won’t be a get stuff done energized, but rather a shaky overstimulated energized.
Regardless of which you identify with, you still only have 24 hours in a day and seven days in a week, so you’ll need to figure out how to manage multiple social obligations!
Recognizing every no is also a yes
In Episode 5 we talked about the concept that every yes is also a no, and it’s an important one to revisit here.
When you say yes to something you’re saying no to anything else you could do with that time, energy, or other resource. And when you say no to something, it opens up the space to say yes to something else.
So, since you don’t have a car full of clones you can send to all the social commitments on your calendar, if you’re going to say yes to them all, you need to recognize what you’re saying no to.
If you’re not sure where to start filtering out what to say yes to and what to say no to grab your copy of my Boundaries Quick Start Guide using the form below. With six simple questions, this guide helps you recognize where you want to say yes, and where it’s time to start saying no.
Prioritizing what you truly WANT or NEED to do
Ok, it’s time to get really honest with yourself. Look at the list of your social obligations and for each one ask yourself – is it something you want to do, something you need to do, or something you feel like you should do?
The things you want to do – you’ll want to prioritize finding a way to say yes to them.
The things you need to do – double check – what is the consequence of not doing them? Are they really need to do or are they actually should do in disguise? If they’re truly need to do events, then you’ll also want to prioritize finding a way to say yes to them.
And finally, the things you feel like you should do – those are the ones that probably need to find their way off your calendar – saying no to them allows you to say yes to other things that are more important to you.
Our stories and beliefs create social obligations instead of exciting social events
But I recognize saying no can be much easier to say than to do!
Our should’s are usually fueled by lots of old stories and beliefs which help drive the way we show up for, and engage with, the world. However, when we recognize them as should’s, we’ve taken the first step in realizing the underlying story or belief isn’t actually true for us.
A coach can be really helpful in guiding you through the process of recognizing and releasing old stories and beliefs. If you’re interested in learning more about getting support to help you identify and release these old thought patterns, I’d love to help – learn more about my Individual Coaching Program or schedule a Breakthrough Discovery Session to get started today!
Introverts need more down time
Before we move on, I want to circle back to the difference between introverts and extroverts. Because they recharge better alone, introverts need more down time than extroverts.
If you identify as an introvert, it’s really important you give yourself the grace to say no to events and invitations – even if you see someone else saying yes more often than you are. Remember we’re not cookie cutter humans, and what you need to stay happy, healthy, and balanced is as unique as you are.
Extroverts can over-schedule themselves
And a note for extroverts – because you recharge better with others, you can tend to over-scheduled yourself. While this is less about the impact it has on your energy level, if you try to be everywhere all at once, it doesn’t matter how much it fills you up, it will still feel overwhelming rushing from place to place not actually getting to spend quality time at any one event or with any one person.
Boundaries help you show up as your best for the activities you choose to participate in
I had a client who was a chronic over scheduler – she could always justify why she “should” go to an event – either personal or professional. But this led to stress, exhaustion, and overwhelm as she was trying to take care of everything else in her life in addition to her busy social calendar.
She also struggled with creating boundaries – for her, it felt like building a big wall between herself and the important people in her life. And she’s not alone – so many of us picture boundaries like a big brick wall keeping everyone an arms distance away.
But the truth is, boundaries don’t have to be a big brick wall.
When you look at your social calendar with dread instead of excitement, it’s a great sign you’ve over-scheduled yourself. And the result of that is that no one gets the best of you.
Think about it for a minute – imagine you have plans to meet a friend for dinner but they’re behind on a work project and it’s consuming all of their focus. Would you rather spend the entire evening with them distracted thinking about the project instead of the conversation you’re having? Or would you rather they ask if you could reschedule in a day or two once the project was complete and you could have their full attention?
I know which one I’d pick.
Creating healthy boundaries around social obligations
Being able to vocalize what you need to show up as your best – that’s a great way to create healthy boundaries.
If you’re new to vocalizing what you need, it isn’t always easy to find the words. Here’s a script you can tailor to your needs to get you started – “I know we’ve made plans to get together, but I want to be able to show up as my best self for you, and that means I’m going to have to reschedule – is there a day later this week that works for you?”
In my experience, and in the experience of clients I’ve worked with, the vast majority of the people in your life want what’s best for you! And if that means you need to reschedule or take a pass on an event, you might be surprised at how often that statement is met with compassion and understanding.
Build your resilience to be able to handle more without feeling overwhelmed
There’s one final piece of the puzzle I want to touch on today. And that’s building your resilience.
Imagine you slept poorly last night, you’re over hungry and can hear your stomach rumbling. And suddenly life throws a curve ball your way. Chances are you’re going to be knocked over by that curve ball because you don’t have the resilience you need to keep you on your feet.
Now picture for a moment you’ve just had a nutritious and nourishing meal and you got a great night sleep the night before. And then the same curve ball comes your way. Now you stand a much better chance of catching that ball and keeping your feet under you, or at least getting back up and dusting yourself off quickly because you’ve increased your resilience.
When we build our resilience it allows us to turn the mountains in our lives into molehills.
So whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, building your resilience allows you to approach your social obligations with more grace, ease, and joy.
How to build your resilience
Which leads us to how you build your resilience! And that’s all about creating a consistent, sufficient, and sustainable self-care routine. By building habits and routines which allow you to consistently fill your mental, emotional, and physical energy reserves, you’re able to build up your resilience.
I did an overview on self-care in Episode 4 of the podcast, and you can also download my Free Self-Care Toolkit with everything you need to get started building your own consistent, sufficient, and sustainable self-care routine – that works for you and your schedule.
So how do you manage multiple social obligations without feeling overwhelmed?
So to sum up the answer to this week’s question – you can manage multiple social obligations without feeling overwhelmed by recognizing you can’t attend them all. And that happens by prioritizing the events you truly want or need to attend and releasing those that you simply feel you should be at.
Also important is building up your resilience so when you enter a particularly busy day, week, or season, you have the reserves to handle it all with grace and ease instead of defaulting to stress and overwhelm.
And remember – living your best life isn’t about changing your life – it’s about changing the way you show up for your life!
Show Notes
Additional Resources
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