How to bounce back when things don’t work out

This all starts with your perspective

I want to start by editing this question to reflect what I think the questioner is really asking.  The real question here, is not how to deal with things not working out, but rather, “how do I deal with things not working out THE WAY I WANTED OR EXPECTED THEM TO”.

Here’s why that additional bit of information is important. We make plans and set expectations based on the limited amount of information we currently have available to us.

Think about any movie or tv show where someone goes back in time to fix something they thought was a mistake. Often when they jump back to their present they realize that in fixing the “mistake” everything good about their lives never actually happened, and in fact, things are much worse than they were before that “mistake” was changed.

So while it doesn’t remove the sting of having things not go as you planned, try to focus less on the door you see shutting and instead turn your attention to the doors this is opening. What is possible now that you never would have considered before?

Focus on the opportunities you now have

Maybe you lost your job. And the door opens for you to travel, or change fields to something you’ve always been interested in.

Maybe a relationship ended. Now you have extra time and energy to focus on starting the business you’ve always dreamed of, or you have the opportunity to meet someone incredible who you would have never noticed otherwise.

Which brings us to the second question this questioner asked.  How can you play the best hand with the cards you’ve been dealt.

Again, try reframing the cards you have as opportunities, not as consolation prizes.

Here are a few great questions to ask yourself:

• What are the benefits of this new set of circumstances?
• What can I learn from this experience and how can I use it to grow?
• What opportunities are available to me now that I might not have noticed before?

Action steps to move from disappointment to gratitude

Here are a few actionable steps that can help you move from disappointment to gratitude and optimism:

Write an obituary for the future that didn’t come to be. Celebrate all the good you had hoped would come from the situation.

Write the entire thing in the past tense, recognizing that it is not a part of your planned future. And then allow yourself to grieve it. This is the death of an expectation.

Consider reading the obituary aloud and/or burning the paper you write it on to symbolically release your old expectations.

Make a list of lessons you learned from this situation that you want to take with you into the future.

If you lost your job, perhaps you learned that even if you give 110% you might still get laid off. Moving forward you know you want to find a better work/life balance.

If your relationship ended, perhaps you learned that you need to work on your boundaries or communication skills before you enter another relationship.

Think of the famous quote: “Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” Take the time to make sure you get the lessons from your experiences so you can avoid the same situation in the future.

Start to make a running list of good things that have happened and are unexpected benefits of your new circumstances.

Keep them somewhere you see regularly – tape it to your bathroom mirror, your fridge, or set it as the wallpaper on your phone or computer.

The more you add to your list, the easier it will be to focus on gratitude at your new circumstances and leave behind the disappointment at not having things turn out as you expected.

Be gentle with yourself. Make sure you add extra self-care into your daily routine as you shift gears.

Depending on how big your plans and disappointment were, it may take you some time to switch from what you hoped would be to what is.

Think about it like a car heading down the highway at full speed. Suddenly you realize you passed the exit you’re supposed to be on while heading for the exit you thought you were supposed to take. There’s no traffic, and no rules, so you stop the car, put it in reverse, and go back to the first exit. It takes time to slow down a car moving at highway speed. And time to change gears. And time to get back to the exit you passed.  Self-care will help you keep your mental, emotional, and physical energy reserves filled while you go through the process of changing gears.

If you need help adding self-care into your daily life, check out my free self-care toolkit.

I’m sending you a great big hug – you’ve got this!