There are no awards given out for “biggest” trauma
Want to know one of my biggest pet peeves – when someone minimizes their experience by saying – “I know other people have it so much worse.” I appreciate the empathy behind this statement. BUT – no one hands out an award for the biggest trauma.
There are no Trauma Olympics
I was listening to a conversation recently between Katie Brauer and Justin Michael Williams discussing trauma. They talked about there being no such thing as the Trauma Olympics. Noting it should never be about who is “more” traumatized – we all have our own journeys and our own stuff to work through.
This concept is so important, because what falls into the bucket of trauma is much broader than we typically think it is.
Psychology Today defines trauma as “a deeply disturbing event that infringes upon an individual’s sense of control and may reduce their capacity to integrate the situation or circumstances into their current reality.”
The difference between Big T & little t trauma
Unfortunately, many people have suffered what is usually referred to as a big T trauma. This is something as a society we would generally consider to be traumatic.
According to Psychology Today, “When most people think about trauma, they tend to think about those who have been exposed to war, combat, natural disasters, physical or sexual abuse, terrorism, and catastrophic accidents.”
Little t trauma
It’s also unfortunately fair to say that almost all of us by the time we’ve reached adulthood have experienced little t trauma.
Again, Psychology Today describes these as “distressing events not inherently life or bodily-integrity threatening, but perhaps better described as ego-threatening due to the individual left feeling notable helplessness.”
These are situations that make you feel like your identity is being called into question or you don’t understand who you are given this situation or set of circumstances.
I’m sure you can think of several events in your life which made you question if you even knew who you were. Or events which made you feel like your world was out of control. While dealing with these situations, you probably didn’t feel an imminent danger of bodily harm, but you probably didn’t feel safe either.
How we respond to trauma
Here is the catch – physiologically, when we experience a traumatic situation, our bodies don’t know why we don’t feel safe, they just know to prepare for the worst.
When we undergo any trauma (or stress), our bodies response is to trigger the sympathetic nervous system (fight, flight, or freeze). You can read more about the sympathetic nervous system (and why it is unhealthy to have it constantly triggered) here.
So regardless of the type of trauma, as long as we continue to be triggered, our bodies will continue to respond by engaging the fight, flight, or freeze mechanism to help protect us. (Learn more about what to do when an old trauma is triggered.)
This has an ongoing impact as our subconscious minds are always in the present moment. Dr. Joe Dispenze notes: “Your subconscious mind does not know the difference between an actual experience that produces an emotion and an emotion that you fabricate by thought alone.” As a result, if you recall your trauma in a way that feels real to you (or anticipate future trauma), your subconscious believes you’re actually experiencing that trauma in the present moment.
For both big T and little t trauma, we bring the past events into our present by reliving them through flashbacks or rumination or anticipating them occurring again in our future. This can happen with one single little t trauma, or it can be the result of several little t traumas compounded.
So why don’t we take little t trauma seriously
Growing up, you may have heard “finish your dinner – there are starving children somewhere in the world who would love to have your meal”.
Or maybe while complaining about your job to a friend or family member, you were told to “suck it up – it could be so much worse – at least you have a job”.
What about expressing frustration at trying to cope with a broken leg and being reminded “at least it will heal, imagine if you didn’t have a leg at all”.
All of this is usually said with a genuine helpful intent (with the possible exception of frustrated parents tired of spending time cooking meals their kids refuse to eat). These statements are intended to teach empathy and perspective. But here is where I raise an issue, I’m not sure they actually teach empathy, and I struggle with the message of perspective.
What we’re really learning
I believe the message these statements are actually teaching is – what you’re dealing with is minor and something’s wrong with you for being bothered by it. They are teaching us to ignore our feelings, to bottle them up, to disown them. The problem is that our feelings don’t go away, they just get embedded in our bodies and struggle to come out. (Read more about this here.)
I can’t remember where I first heard this, but it has always stuck with me – if you listen to your body whisper, you won’t have to hear it scream. The same applies here. If you acknowledge the little t traumas when they happen and work through them, the likelihood of them compounding and continuing to cause issues later down the road is much less.
How I handle little t trauma
When we belittle our own issues, calling them “first world problems” or telling ourselves we don’t have any “right” to be upset or bothered by something, we’re actually disowning, disallowing, and discrediting a part of ourselves.
Instead, I encourage you to acknowledge when something has caused a little t trauma in your life.
By honoring and processing these situations as they arise, you can limit the amount of time spent in sympathetic nervous system response.
So let’s go back to the Trauma Olympics. If it feels traumatic to you then it is. Period. The end. Trauma isn’t defined in comparison to anyone else’s experiences.
Taking care of yourself
Sometimes this is easier said than done though. When I am working through a little t trauma, I tend to avoid the news (radio, tv, print), social media, and anything else that will present me with tragedy in the world to compare myself to. This gives me the space to honor what I’m experiencing while I’m experiencing it.
I’m not advocating we all go live in caves and cut ourselves off from the world, but if you find yourself minimizing something which has left you feeling helpless in any way, I encourage you to take a step back from those sources of comparison.
When it comes to processing your trauma, find what works for you – I take this time to journal, meditate, go to a yoga class, take a walk. Combine physical movement with any activity which helps you with self-reflection as you seek to process the trauma, rebuild your sense of self, and find your place in your new reality. If you need a place to get started, check out my guided meditations and breathwork practices here as well as my post on self-care and self-work here.
I don’t want to diminish ANY trauma
I feel it’s necessary to clarify – I’m not seeking to diminish any trauma. We each have our own journeys we’re on, our own lessons to learn and experiences to integrate. There is no judgment here as to the “value” or “quality” of your trauma – I honor that you feel it as trauma and so it is trauma.
I am not a psychologist
I’m a blogger, a coach, and a yoga teacher, not a psychologist. What I share with you comes from my research and life experience. There are tips I can provide that have worked for me. However, trauma (big or little t) can have an incredibly detrimental impact on your life.
If you have experienced ANY trauma, big or little t, and feel stuck, depressed, despair, or unable to move past it on your own, I urge you to seek professional help.
The light and the dark in me, sees and honors the light and the dark inside you.
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