Mastering what it means to show up for yourself
I end each of my podcasts by reminding you it’s not about changing your life, it’s about changing the way you show up for your life. And I’m not the only person who uses that type of languaging, which is what prompted today’s question.
Today’s questioner asked me: I heard someone say recently that -“when we’re in a state of worthiness we consistently show up for ourselves everyday, we show up for ourselves when we’re tired, we show up for ourselves when we don’t feel like it.” But what does that mean – showing up for ourselves? It seems so simple but I’m not sure what it actually looks like.
What does “show up for” actually mean?
Let’s start by talking about what we mean when we say “show up for” something.
Showing up is the way you interact and engage with the world around you as well as your own internal world. It includes the things you think, say, and do and how you think, say, and do them.
When I say “show up for your life” what I mean is consciously choosing how you’ll be an active participant in your life.
For example, in Episode 21 of Solicited Advice to Live Your Best Life, we talked about techniques to control overthinking.
One of the techniques I covered was to put the situation in perspective. In this case, you could change the way you show up for your life by shifting from falling into the loop of overthinking to pausing that thought pattern by bringing perspective to your thoughts and worries. You would be changing the way you show up in this particular situation by changing the way you think about the specific thing that served as fodder for your overthinking.
Being fully present
“Showing up” might also be used to indicate being fully present in the moment and for the situation.
Have you ever arrived at home after taking your usual commute only to realize you didn’t actually remember much of the drive because you were mentally on autopilot. That happens in other aspects of our lives as well.
In this case, “showing up” would be about bringing your full attention back to the present – being fully attentive to what’s happening in the here and now with a situation you would normally be partially or fully checked out on.
Showing up for others
This definition often applies when we talk about showing up for other people. Have you ever been engaged in a conversation with someone but you’re also scrolling social media and the tv is on in the background? I’m raising my hand right along with you.
This would be the opposite of “showing up” for that person. Putting the phone down, turning off the tv, and fully paying attention to what they’re sharing with you – and then reacting and responding from a place of full attention is what we mean when we say “showing up for someone”.
It might also mean helping to carry moving boxes when they move across town – context can often help you figure out how someone would like to be supported!
How we show up for ourselves
So now that we have a broad understanding of what “showing up for” means, let’s dive into the way today’s questioner uses it.
Showing up for ourselves is all about treating ourselves with the same love, compassion, respect, and value we would treat others who we love and care about with.
Think about the way you talk to yourself. Especially when you’ve fallen short of some expectation you set for yourself. Be really honest – this exercise is just for you.
Would you ever consider saying those same things to someone you cared about? Would you say them to someone you didn’t really know? Or maybe even someone you sort of disliked?
Quieting your inner critic
Often, we can be our own harshest critic. Our critical inner voice does a great job of pointing out all the things we’ve done wrong or could be doing better.
But remember how showing up means getting off autopilot? Your critical inner voice is an autopilot voice. When you take time to think critically about those things you say to yourself are they really true? Sometimes they may have a kernel of truth but are blown way out of proportion by fear.
When we show up for ourselves, it means turning off the autopilot – which in turn allows us to quiet that critical inner voice.
Believing you deserve to be able to show up for yourself
Today’s questioner also noted the original quote concerned being in a state of worthiness. So how does that tie in.
Think back to some of those things your critical inner voice might say to you. If you drill down, how many of them are rooted in either the belief that you don’t “deserve” something or you haven’t “earned” something.
We learn these stories and beliefs from our family, from society, and from the media. Many of us have stories about worthiness – and unworthiness – baked in deep into our view of ourselves and the world.
In order to truly show up for yourself, you need to believe you actually deserve to be able to show up for yourself. That you are worthy of being treated with the same love, compassion, respect, and value you would treat anyone else.
Letting go of the stories
But letting go of these stories isn’t as simple as just deciding you’re done with them.
Remember I said they’re baked in. Imagine someone mixed pieces of dried fruit into their chocolate chip cookie dough. Then they baked up a batch of cookies and presented them to you. You want the cookies – but yuck – not with the dried fruit in them. So you need to carefully pick each piece of dried fruit out of each bite in order to ensure you get the delicious cookie you wanted.
Extend the analogy to your beliefs and you have to first identify what not working for you (i.e. the dried fruit). Then you have to get really clear on what those stories and beliefs look like so you can identify them when you see them. And finally, you need to find tools and techniques which help you pick them out so you can focus on the delicious parts you have left.
While it might feel a lot harder to pick thought patterns out of your brain than dried fruit out of a cookie, neuroplasticity is the ability of your neural networks and nervous system to rewire the way they respond to stimuli. And there are a ton of tools which can help you do that! I’ve introduced you to several in previous episodes – things like mindfulness practices, tapping, and self-reflection.
And check out this blog post covering why you might be so hard on yourself and how to start taking steps to change those thought patterns.
So how do I show up for myself in practice?
You probably know that understanding the why is just the first step. So let’s talk about how to actually start showing up for yourself – what does that look like?
Showing up for yourself means being present for yourself. Doing the things that nourish and nurture you instead of checking out. And it means doing these things even when it would be easier not to do them.
Here’s an example – I have an evening Sadhana practice. Each night I journal, I do a tapping practice, I do some form of asana, and I listen to a guided meditation as I fall asleep.
There are plenty of times it would be easier to watch one more episode of something on the tv and skip this practice. To be tuned out instead of tuned into what’s going on in my body and mind.
BUT – when I skip this practice I don’t sleep as well. I don’t wake up feeling as refreshed and ready for the day. I’m less resilient when the inevitable surprises happen throughout my day. And all of that means I often make subsequent choices that don’t nourish and nurture me. For example – I might have chips for a snack instead of slicing up a few veggies to have with some hummus.
How you know you’re showing up for yourself
Which leads us into the next question – how do I know if I’m showing up for myself?
Run things through the filter of “will this help me feel like my best self?”.
I don’t feel great after eating a bunch of chips. But I usually meet my hunger needs, energy needs, and nutrition needs when I have those veggies and hummus. One makes me feel full, energized, and healthy. And one makes me feel bloated and a little disappointed in myself.
Running it through the filter of helping me feel like my best self means I go for those veggies with hummus every time.
Reflect on the last few choices you made – did you show up for yourself by making the choices to be present and help you feel like your best self? Or did you make the choices to check out and let things run on autopilot?
Is this how I’d treat someone I love?
Another great filter to use is to think of how you show up for others you love, respect, and care about. Are you showing yourself the same respect, love, and nourishment you would someone important to you?
Let’s stick with the snack for another minute – if you have kids – would you just toss them a bag of chips, or would you take a minute to slice up some veggies and put them on a plate with hummus? (Or sub in what ever nutritious snack your kids like.)
If you find you have no problem making a healthy snack for your kids, but struggle to do it for yourself, consider taking some time to reflect on why you’re willing to do it for them but not for yourself.
Showing up for yourself can be exhausting
Having said all that – let’s be really clear – showing up for yourself can be exhausting.
You might have heard me talk about the difference between self-care and self-work and distraction before.
Self-care refills your mental, emotional, and physical energy reserves, self-work drains them, and distraction is more energy neutral. Depending on the situation, showing up for yourself could be self-care, but it could also be self-work.
My evening Sadhana practice – that’s self-work. It helps me build my resilience, but it takes energy – mentally, emotionally, and/or physically, to do each of the items in my practice.
Some nights I’m exhausted and I need to just roll into bed early and get an extra hour or so of sleep. On those nights, I might skip my Sadhana practice in order to get some extra rest. That would be showing up for myself in a way that provides self-care by refilling my physical reserves with a little extra sleep.
Showing up for yourself means learning to recognize what you need and learning how to balance your self-care and self-work so you don’t get so exhausted you consistently default to distraction.
Balancing self-care and self-work
My free Self-Care Toolkit is a great place to help you get started with finding this balancing act. It will guide you through recognizing where you’re engaged in self-care, where you think you’re doing self-care but it’s actually self-work, and how to find your own balance that’s as unique are you are. You can get your copy by popping your name and email into the box below.
So going back to today’s question – in a nutshell, showing up for yourself means treating yourself with the same love, compassion, respect, and value you would offer to someone you care about. And two great questions to help you determine if you are doing that are: “would this help me feel like my best self?” and “is this how I’d treat someone I loved?”.
And as always, please show yourself some grace as you begin to make these shifts in the way you think and act. Remember – just like those cookies and picking out the baked in ingredients you don’t actually enjoy, sometimes you might miss a bit of dried fruit – it happens, but there’s always another bite to try again.
And remember – living your best life isn’t about changing your life – it’s about changing the way you show up for your life! Which hopefully make a little more sense now than it did ten minutes ago!
Show Notes
Additional Resources
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