So, you know you need boundaries, but are wondering how to kickstart the process
Several years ago, I was stuck. I was newly single, throwing myself into work to avoid the scary task of finding myself again, and draining my reserves even further caretaking everyone who came into my line of vision instead of focusing that energy back on myself. My boundaries were non-existent.
I am so grateful that my dear friend Karlee saw what was going on and got me started with refocusing, reprioritizing, and beginning to build boundaries.
Having healthy boundaries is not something which comes naturally to most of us.
If you’re like me, yes comes to your lips much easier than no. Internally, you may be saying no – I don’t want to do this, or be here, or engage in this way, but your expectations for yourself, the expectations you believe your friends, family, society and the world have for you – they cause you to say yes.
As women especially, many of us have grown up with the societal expectation that we be caretakers, nurturing to those around us – although we’re not usually taught to turn that caretaking and nurturing back on ourselves.
Let’s start with the easy stuff
Make note of everything you say yes to in a day. Pick one thing you wish you had said no to instead. What did you lose by saying yes, and what would you have gained if you had said no. Practice in your head what it would sound like to say no the next time that situation (or a similar one) arises.
Boundary setting can be much easier when starting with your more peripheral relationships first – maybe you decline to make something for the class bake sale on a week when you have a major work project due, or you opt out of the weekly office happy hour so you can go home to have a quiet evening to rest and recharge. Starting with boundaries in this way, you strengthen your boundary muscle before setting boundaries with your nearest and dearest.
Another great way to get started with boundaries is by creating boundaries with stuff. How would it feel to give away the pants that always make you feel frumpy but you spent so much money on you feel guilty getting rid of them? Letting those pants go is a great place to start flexing your boundary muscle.
I can tell you from experience, if you set just one new boundary, no matter how scary and uncomfortable, it becomes easier to set more. Each time you say no and set a boundary, you are flexing a muscle which grows stronger with use.
If you’re not sure how to get started, take the quiz and get your own custom boundary building action plan.
Put your air mask on first – what does that actually mean?
You may have heard the air mask analogy before. I heard it from my mom my entire life – you need to put your air mask on before you can help anyone else.
But here’s thing, I always thought that I just needed to work harder, manage my time better, be more efficient – that was how I would get my air mask on AND take care of everything and everyone else.
Only that isn’t how it works, I’ve learned that if you say yes to everything, there will never be enough time, no matter how efficient you are.
The real secret is that in order to put your air mask on, you need to learn to say no.
When I pulled my copy of The Power of No (an amazing book I read when I started building my boundary muscle) off the shelf to write this post, I started flipping through and looking at my margin notes (yes – I write in my books).
Reviewing those notes was like stepping back in time. Many of the lessons I was trying to learn and the boundaries I was trying to set then seem like they’ve always been a part of my life – a part of who I am. Learning to say no to the things which did not serve me so I could say yes to everything I wanted was a major turning point in my life.
Decluttering your life by going beyond physical stuff
I recently listened to an interview with Rose Lounsbury – a minimalism expert. She was discussing decluttering and noted that with many of her clients while it might just start with stuff, decluttering is not only about the physical stuff in your life – it’s about all the choices you make.
These choices include the people you surround yourself with, the food you put into your body, and the work and social obligations you take on. But once you start the process of decluttering in one area of your life, it can have a snowball effect and change all aspects of your life.
Saying no and setting boundaries is a form of decluttering. It requires you to look inward and make choices on what you do and do not want in your life. And while this might feel daunting, it’s a great reminder that you can start flexing your boundary muscle but constructing boundaries with the things in your life.
If this all feels like just too much, I would love to help – click on over here to learn more about my one-on-one coaching program and sign up for a complimentary Discovery Session.
Building boundaries changes our relationships
Let’s talk about a common fear that kept me from creating boundaries for a long time. Not only can you run into issues with your own internal dialogue regarding expectation around boundary setting, you also may face push-back from the people you’re setting boundaries with.
When you create a boundary, you’re changing the status quo. And that in turn changes the dynamic of your relationships. As a people-pleaser, I was afraid creating boundaries would cause people to stop liking me. But I’ve learned over the years that if you’ve been putting off creating boundaries because you’re afraid of how the other person will react, that’s a great sign that you REALLY NEED that boundary.
Because the truth is that the people who truly care about our wellbeing WANT us to have healthy boundaries. They WANT the best for us – and that means reserving enough energy and other resources to take care of ourselves.
The people who want you to sacrifice your own wellbeing so that the status quo doesn’t change. Those are the people who are always going to put their needs before yours. And that means those are the exact people you need to create boundaries with.
I’ll be honest, as I’ve learned to construct and hold healthy boundaries, I’ve seen people fall out of my life – people who weren’t willing to see me put their needs second. And looking back, I’m really happy those people aren’t in my life anymore. Because it means I can show up as a much better version of myself for everyone else who is in my life.
Sometimes these relationships just fade away, and sometimes they go out with a bang. Some of these people find their way back to you as they travel through their own journey of self growth. (A journey often inspired by the example you’ve set.)
As scary as this might sound, think about it like this – if someone told you there was a pill you could take to get rid of a cold, it would be the biggest horse pill you ever took, but it was guaranteed to make you feel so much better. Would you take the pill? Or would you feel obligated to live with the cold?
This is your journey
One of my favorite yoga teachers often suggests students “take what resonates and leave the rest”.
As you start to construct boundaries, don’t try to draw a line in the sand just because you saw on social media or read in a book (or on this blog) that it worked for someone else. Remember we’re not cookie cutter humans, and as such, what works for someone else, might not be the right fit for you (in that moment or ever).
You might find this post on Identifying Core Values and this one on the Wheel of Life helpful in starting to identify where in YOUR life you want to say no and where you want to say yes.
And if there’s a voice inside you calling out YES to this work, but you know you would feel so much braver with someone holding your hand as you embark on this journey – I am here for you! Hop on over here to schedule a complimentary Discovery Session and take your first step to a life filled with freedom, ease, and joy!
This quote from The Power of No called out to me as I was reviewing my notes in the book and I want to leave you with this thought: “I want to do what makes me feel at peace. Even if it means sometimes saying no to everyone I love. To all of the stories they tell. Because that’s proof that I love myself.”
Hoping you lavish the same love on yourself that you do on the other people in your life.
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