Self-Care vs. Self-Work. . . And why knowing the difference is so important
Do you ever find yourself thinking. . . “I don’t know how I can be so tired – I’ve been making time to take care of myself!” I know this happens to me at times, and when it does, I always take a few minutes and review what I’ve been considering self-care to see if I am actually doing self-work instead.
My dear friend Lauren introduced me to the difference between self-work and self-care several years ago when she noticed I was particularly exhausted despite doing a lot of what, at the time, I considered to be self-care. And understanding the difference is critical because the difference between the impact of self-work and self-care on you is dramatic.
Self-Care, Self-Work & Distraction
Self-work is hard. It can be exhausting and draining. The results are AMAZING though so please don’t think I’m discouraging you from making time for self-work. Self-work (aka personal development) is any activity where you’re actively working on yourself. This could be mental, emotional, spiritual or physical.
Self-care is replenishing. It can be relaxing or energizing depending on the activity. It also has AMAZING results and is critically important in your life, but it’s very different from self-work. Self-care is any activity where you’re in an environment or activity created for nourishment – again this can be mental, emotional, spiritual or physical.
Distraction is something we often do when we think we’re engaging in self-care. It isn’t inherently bad, the problem with distraction arises when it prevents you from having the time you need for consistent, sufficient, and sustainable self-care and self-work. Distraction is any activity which pulls your out of your life by bringing you from your present moment into another reality.
The difference between self-work and self-care
- Self-Care: You draw a nice relaxing bath, pour in epsom salts, light a candle, dim the lights and sink into the bath without any plans or intentions, just the desire to let the warm water and salts soothe your body.
- Self-Work: You draw the same bath, add the epsom salts, and light the candle, but instead of dimming the lights, you keep them bright so you can write in your journal – using it as a tool to process through something which has been keeping your mind spinning at night.
- Distraction: Same bath but you put on a podcast or tv show with the express purpose of distracting you from your life.
- Self-Care: You get a massage, relaxing onto the table with no objective or goal for the session, just enjoying each moment as any aches and pains are worked out of your muscles.
- Self-Work: You go in for a body or energy work session with the intention of moving energy, releasing something being held in your body or processing through something which has been bothering you. You’re an active participant in the session, working with the person providing this session to realize your goals.
- Self-Care: You curl up on the sofa with a cup of tea and wrap yourself in a warm blanket. You spend an hour reading a book you’ve been excited to dive into. It’s easy for this to become distraction if you selected a book with the intention of using it to forget your life for a little while.
- Self-Work: You curl up on the sofa, again with your tea and warm blanket, but you also have a pencil, highlighter and post-it flags along with your book. You read a book which you’re excited to dive into, but instead of intending to simply enjoy the book, you’re seeking knowledge, using this book as a resource in your quest to build a life you love.
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Self-Care: You go out for a walk in a park during your lunch break, listening to the birds, admiring the beauty of the natural world, stopping to literally smell the flowers as you make your way along the path. You enjoy the feeling of the sun on your face and the grass under foot. You don’t worry about how many steps you take or calories you burn, you just experience and enjoy the world around you.
- Self-Work: You go out to the same park for a walk during your lunch break, but you need to make sure you get 2,000 steps in during your break to reach your fitness goal for the day. The pace you need to keep to reach that goal is a great cardio workout but it’s too fast to really enjoy the world around you. You’re not able to smell the flowers or note the different songs of the birds.
- Distraction: Same walk, same park, but you pop in earbuds and listen to a podcast or audio book with the intention of forgetting your life for a little while as you’re absorbed into the world that you’re listening to.
Hopefully these examples give you an idea of why it’s so important to have both self-work and self-care in our lives. And how we can easily confuse distraction for self-care.
Balancing Self-Work and Self-Care
When you practice self-work, you’re learning and growing, you’re getting to know parts of yourself you might not have previously been aware of. Through self-work you’re seeking to improve your life both inside your own mind and body and in the way you interact with the world.
But along with all the rewards, this work can be exhausting. And when you add in all the other things that pull your time and energy throughout the day, the restorative power of self-care becomes even more important.
Self-care is how you recharge. It gives you the reserves you need for both self-work and your day-to-day responsibilities.
Without self-care, we become exhausted, overwhelmed and run-down – setting ourselves up for burnout, illness, disorder, and disease. The trick is to find the balance between self-care and self-work. Rarely is this a 50/50 split, instead it’s something that needs to be recalibrated regularly taking into account everything going on in your life.
The impact of your intention
I have a friend who did a fantastic job of self-work, but she wasn’t always as great at finding room for self-care in her schedule. One afternoon as we were heading into a Yoga Nidra class together she remarked on how tired she was feeling. I asked if she approached Yoga Nidra as an opportunity to work on herself – i.e. did she see herself as an active participant in the class. She responded yes, that was exactly how she viewed it.
I suggested that when she was feeling run-down, she could perhaps instead view the hour long class as an opportunity for the teacher to “care for her”. Instead of seeking to achieve a goal through the session, she could just relax and enjoy the experience.
After the session she remarked on how much more rested she felt than she normally did after Yoga Nidra. The only difference – she went from approaching the class as self-work to viewing it as self-care. It doesn’t mean that Yoga Nidra always needs to be self-care for her, just that in the moment, what she needed was for it to be self-care instead of self-work.
A note on introverts and extroverts
Self-care often looks really different for introverts and extroverts. By nature, introverts usually recharge better in solo activities. However, extroverts find their energy restores faster when with others.
I was coaching an extrovert who thought she was making time for self-care, but never really felt restored afterward. She was making time each week for an at-home spa day. As we talked about it, she realized that not only was she engaging in distraction activities during that time, but she was also missing the social component that always left her feeling energized. This was one of those aha moments when self-care shifted from another chore to something she actually wanted to do.
Let’s go back to that walk in the park – an introvert would recharge much better taking the self-care walk alone. An extrovert would do better taking the self-care walk with someone they enjoy spending time with.
Want to learn more about making self-care work for you? Grab my free Self-Care Toolkit using the box above!
What do you need right now?
Download the Free Self-Care Toolkit, or get a piece of paper or a journal. Write down all the activities you regularly do that you consider to be self-care. Now think about the intention you bring into each of them and determine if they’re actually self-work. Take note – are doing any true self-care on a daily basis?
Looking at your list, determine where can you make shifts and changes, either in the activities themselves or your approach to them to ensure you’re getting a good balance of self-work and self-care into your life. It’s important to find the balance that serves you best – this isn’t necessarily a one-for-one ratio, and it will change over time as everything else in your life changes.
Sometimes you’ll need more self-work and sometimes you’ll need more self-care, but the key is to listen to your body. If you’re feeling tired and worn-out, the balance should shift to favor more self-care. If you’re feeling stuck and as though you can’t find a way to reach your goals, then the balance will need to swing to include more self-work.
Create a practice of a daily or weekly check-in. Ask yourself – what do I need more of today (or this week)? Then look at your schedule and find a way to get the right balance of self-work and self-care into your day. Remember, this doesn’t mean you have to change all your plans, adjusting the balance can be as simple as changing your approach to the self-care and self-work activities you have already scheduled in.
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