Learning how to quiet your inner critic
Over the last several months, I’ve been taking a hard look at what I offer, and making sure that I’m providing not only what’s most needed, but also what’s most resonant. And what keeps coming up over, and over, and over again, is the difficult relationship so many of us have with our inner critic.
What is your inner critic?
Your inner critic is the voice you hear in your head reminding you of everything you’ve done wrong. Reminder you of everything you should be doing and you just can’t find the time, energy, or other resources to make happen. And your inner critic is the voice inside your head that points out that no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be good enough.
You might have a different name for your inner critic – I call mine my inner mean girl. But no matter what you call it, it’s one of the faces of your fear.
Fear’s job is to keep you safe. Which means it wants you to avoid any situation where you might get hurt. This is great in terms of keeping you from putting your hand into an open flame. But not so great when fear works overtime to keep you playing small, and “protects” you from failure by keeping you from even starting.
This means you push off your hopes, goals, and dreams. They might be little things – going to a new yoga studio. Or big things – switching careers or moving across the country.
I’ve covered fear several times before, and you can read more about the impact fear has on your life here.
Recognizing the voice of your inner critic
I know so many of us struggle with our inner critics. And I’m raising my hand right along with you.
My inner critic – she’s afraid of someone making fun of her, afraid she isn’t lovable, and believes she needs to be perfect in order to be worthy.
It’s taken me many years to learn how to keep my inner critic from being the dominant voice in my head. My inner critic knows all my insecurities, and because of that, it can cut deeper than anyone else could.
If you’re unsure what the voice of your inner critic sounds like, here are a few things to look for:
- The phrase “why bother” – if you’re telling yourself the story that you’ll fail no matter what so why even bother trying something new, that’s a good sign you’re listening to your inner critic.
- Stories that you aren’t “enough” – as in, I’m not smart enough, funny enough, pretty enough, nice enough, accommodating enough, etc. If you’re being meaner than yourself than you would ever be to anyone else, that’s the voice of your inner critic.
- Beliefs that keep you from taking risks – I’m not talking about jumping out of a plane without a parachute, but rather risks that are inherent in living a full and joyful life. For instance, I’m not lovable so I shouldn’t try to create a relationship. Or, I’m not smart enough, so I shouldn’t try to go out for that promotion. And I don’t have enough willpower so there’s no point in trying to get in shape or start eating healthy. These are all your inner critic trying to keep you small.
Recognizing the difference between fear and intuition
You might know that I believe strongly in the power of your intuition. A question I hear a lot is – how do I know that voice is my inner critic and fear, not my intuition warning me about a danger I don’t fully understand.
That’s a great question. In a nutshell, the voice of your intuition, your true inner knowing, will never make you feel bad about yourself. It might ask you push or challenge yourself, it might encourage you to step outside of your comfort zone, but you should feel excited, or “nervcited” (a nervous excitement) when you’re listening to your intuition.
Your inner critic on the other hand uses the same tactics as a school yard bully or the mean girls you went to high school with. It will use mean words and threats to try and get what it wants. If you find yourself thinking – I would NEVER say these things to someone I care about, that’s your inner critic, not your intuition.
If you want to learn more about connecting with your intuition, check out my Intuition Mini-Course here.
What if my inner critic’s right?
Short answer, it’s not.
Long answer, does it feel right? Think of things that you KNOW are right. Things that deep down in your bones you absolutely know to be true. How does that deep, deep, deep knowing feel in your body? And does it feel anything like the way you feel when you listen to the voice of your inner critic?
The truth is, you’re human. That means you’re flawed. And you’ll make mistakes. Which is beautiful, because that’s how we learn and grow. How we’re able to do something different and better the next time. You are perfectly imperfect, and you’re enough just as you are.
Finding peace with your inner critic
The first step is awareness. Simply recognizing the voice of your inner critic is critical to being able to change your relationship with it.
Once you know what it sounds like, the next step is to switch the dialogue. Remember your inner critic is just one of the ways your fear shows up. So treat it the same way you would treat someone who was scared.
Imagine a lost small child, a frightened dog, or a confused elderly person. How would you approach them? What would you say to them? How would you comfort or reassure them that they were safe?
The key to getting your inner critic to quiet down and allow you to hear the whispers of your intuition is to help it understand that you’re safe. Remind it that you might not have all the answers, but that doesn’t mean that you’re in danger. And that sometimes you might get hurt (a relationship might fail, you might not get that promotion), but you’re strong enough to handle those challenges and learn and grow from them, coming out stronger on the other side.
In the past, I’ve let my inner mean girl take center stage. No matter what I did, she would critique everything I said and did for days. Now when I hear her voice start to pipe up, I take a few slow deep breaths and remind her that we are safe, and everything is ok!
The key is to quiet, but not ignore
You might have noticed that I keep referring to quieting your inner critic, not ignoring it. Imagine what would happen if you ignored that scared lost child – do you think it would quietly wander away? Or do you think it would start crying louder and louder in an effort to get your attention.
The key here is acknowledging and then reassuring your inner critic. Not ignoring it!
The value of creating your inner sanctuary
You have the choice to listen to your inner critic, or to listen to your inner cheerleader.
I focus on speaking to myself with the same kindness, compassion, and love I would speak to a dear friend or beloved family member with. Because I don’t want to be my own bully.
This is something you get to make an active decision to change. It wouldn’t shift overnight – think of how long it took you to build this relationship with your inner critic, it will take you time to shift this relationship.
The more awareness you bring to recognizing the voice of your inner critic, the easier it will be to begin to shift your inner dialogue away from shame, self-blame, self-doubt, and guilt, and toward love and compassion.
There’s a lot going on in the world right around us. We’re exposed to chaos, anger, violence, pain, and suffering in our personal interactions, and on a local, national, and global level. Just like with any act of nature. A key to weathering the storm around you is to find a safe place to be, a sanctuary. And the best way to find that sanctuary is to create it within yourself. No matter where you go, the calm eye of the storm will be inside you.
But in order to do that, you need to learn how to quiet your inner critic, and to create your inner sanctuary. The tips in this post are a great place to start, but if you’re ready to really dive into this work, I’d love to work with you one-on-one. If that sounds like something you’re interested in, schedule a no-cost Discovery Session with me today and let’s start the conversation!
