How to Respond When You Get Resistance to Your Boundaries
Today’s topic is a really important one if you’re struggling to construct and hold healthy boundaries. So often I talk about how much better life gets when you start implementing mental and emotional hygiene tools and techniques. However, sometimes there are some really tough growing pains you have to work through on your way from where you are to where you want to be.
Have you ever had someone react poorly to a boundary you’ve drawn? Perhaps giving you the silent treatment or flat out ignoring your boundary?
When I first embarked on my journey of constructing healthy boundaries, I was starting from a place of having virtually no boundaries. I was a people pleaser and no stranger to the fawn stress response. The result, I was more than willing to sacrifice my needs to take care of someone else. Because ultimately, I believed it was my responsibility to take care of everyone, AND I believed the only reason people liked me was because of what I did for them.
As I began to release all the stories and beliefs that kept me tied up in knots trying to take care of everything for everyone, I started to draw boundaries.
Often they were met with resistance or surprise. Sometimes I walked them back because it was easier to have no boundary than to confidently hold one. But as my boundary muscle got stronger, I found I was able to draw healthy boundaries with much more confidence, and much less resistance.
The purpose of boundaries
We’ve talked about boundaries before. But let’s take a moment to just quickly review the purpose of boundaries.
Boundaries are designed to help you preserve your energy, time, and other resources for the things that are truly important to you or necessary for you to do.
The reality is, there’s only one of you. There are only 24 hours in a day and seven days in a week. And there are only 365 days in a year. These natural constraints mean you can only do so much. At some point you run out of available resources and need to make some decisions about what you do and don’t do.
Boundaries are the tool you use to protect your reserve of resources and designate them for specific activities you want to make sure happen.
What do boundaries look like in practice?
I have a morning practice which is important to helping me feel balanced and resilient throughout the day. I don’t want to sacrifice this practice, so I keep my schedule clear until 10 am. It gives me plenty of time for my morning practice and to get my day started without distraction.
Not taking meetings or appointments before 10 am is a boundary I’ve created to preserve my time and energy in the morning for something I know I need to do in order to show up at my best during the rest of the day.
What happens when you create a new boundary
When you create a new boundary, you’re changing the rules of the game.
If I had a friend who I regularly talked to each morning, when I began to preserve my mornings for my sadhana practice, it would be totally understandable they’d be confused why I was no longer available to them during the time I’d always been available.
Last summer I was spending some time with my then four-year old nephew. He offered to teach me how to play one of his games. Each time it looked like I might be pulling ahead in the game, he’d suddenly “remember” another rule which allowed him to move closer to winning and moved me further away from it.
Which, let’s be honest, is a little funny when it’s a low-stakes situation like playing a game with your young nephew. But you can easily see how that would feel super stressful and annoying if it was happening in something that felt higher stakes and with an adult.
Focus on communication when creating a new boundary
A great way to set yourself, and anyone else involved in your new boundary, up for success is to include really clear communication when you create that boundary.
Let’s go back to my morning phone calls with a friend. If I simply stopped answering their calls in the morning, that might be really confusing. But if I had a conversation with them before implementing my new morning routine and let them know what I was doing and why, then we’d be able to set a new time to catch up that worked for both of us. The confusion is removed, and everyone is clear on the new rules I’ve decided to play by.
Negative reactions to boundaries are fueled by fear
As you begin to create healthy boundaries, you might notice the people you interact with seem to divide into two different groups. Those who react with compassion and understanding to your new boundaries, and those who react with negativity and disregard.
You might also notice another theme running through each of these groups. Those who react with compassion and understanding often have their own healthy boundaries – they’re already using this tool and so are understanding when you use it as well.
Those who react with negativity and disregard your boundaries are often those who struggle with boundaries themselves.
It helps to understand these negative reactions when you recognize they’re coming from a place of unresolved trauma and fear. Your new boundaries can be triggering for someone who is reliant on you showing up in a specific way. When you change the rules of the game, even if you explain why you’re changing them, it can be triggering of their stories and beliefs.
For example, for someone who struggles with a fear of rejection, your new boundaries might trigger that fear. And their reaction may be to respond with the attitude of – “you don’t get to reject me if I reject you first”. As with so many things, most of this is usually running in the subconscious – not something they’re intentionally thinking through and deciding.
Testing limits to see if you “really mean it”
You might also find someone tries to test your new boundary to see if you “really mean it”. Perhaps in your past interactions with them, you’ve been known to walk back decisions – if you often default to the fawn stress response, this might sound familiar.
No one wants to learn a new set of rules only to discover they don’t actually apply and everyone is really playing by the old set of rules but them. So it’s totally natural and normal for someone to push and test boundaries if they don’t have a solid belief these boundaries will be upheld.
If you experience this, it’s helpful to continue to reiterate your boundary each time someone pushes back on it. You might also benefit from acknowledging you haven’t always been great about holding boundaries in the past, but you’re doing things differently and are committed to holding firm in this situation.
You can’t control how anyone else reacts
Let’s quickly rewind to Episode 5 of the podcast – you are not responsible for the way anyone thinks, feels, acts, or reacts except yourself.
It can be incredibly painful – I know, I’ve been there – when someone has a really negative reaction to one of your boundaries. You believe you could make all of their pain go away by simply allowing that boundary to collapse. BUT in doing so, you would instead allow all the pain, frustration, stress, and overwhelm the boundary was designed to prevent to rain right back down on you. And there’s no guarantee it would actually take away their pain.
Because here’s the thing – they’re choosing to react the way they are. They are making a choice – conscious or unconscious – to have a negative reaction to your boundary. And that choice – it’s out of your control. You can’t go into their brain and determine what thoughts and feelings they have.
What is in your control though is how you take care of yourself. If you created a healthy boundary to take care of you, that’s what you need to focus on.
Triggers can cause resistance to boundaries
The reality is triggers are weird. We don’t always know what will trigger an old story or belief, a fear, or an unresolved trauma. But we do get to control how we respond once triggered. We can choose to look at and release what no longer serves us, or we can choose to double down and allow that trigger to be compounded by a new story or belief.
We’re all at different places in our journey. There was a really long time when I choose the double down option. When my comfort zone focused on all the things the world was doing to me, and not the ways I was responding to the world.
And while it’s helpful to have compassion for where someone is in their journey, sacrificing your own needs in and accommodating their stories and beliefs simply allows them to remain in their comfort zone a little longer. Which in turn allows them to avoid facing what might help them grow and heal.
Choosing compassionate communication
I’ve talked a lot about why someone might react negatively to your boundaries because I think it’s important to be able to see their reaction through the eyes of compassion.
It can be really frustrating when someone reacts negatively to something you’ve done in an attempt to take care of self. Something that allows you to do the things that make it possible to show up at your best.
When you find yourself getting ready to lose your patience having to state your boundary for the umpteenth time, try to refocus on compassionate communication. A harsh response from you will often only compound the triggers, stories, beliefs, and fears which are fueling their negative reaction.
AND having said all that, it’s important to recognize sometimes you need to let someone know if they can’t respect your boundary you’ll need to create some extra space between you and them until they can. Again, using clear and compassionate communication, this is simply stating another boundary.
You’re leading by example
I know this can all feel really hard. And there are days when it just feels so much easier to simply release any boundaries and let things go back to the old status quo.
Over a decade into this journey, I can promise, holding those healthy boundaries is so worth it. Not only does it help you take care of yourself in the best way possible, it also sets an example for others. In my own life, I’ve seen people who pushed back at my boundaries begin to understand and actually respect and implement their own healthy boundaries after seeing the positive impact they had on my life.
I’m not saying this will happen with everyone in your life, but when someone begins to realize you’re living your best life, while they’re still struggling with the same things that stressed them out a year ago, five years ago, a decade ago. They may start to think about what you’re doing differently.
When you lead by example, you can help others begin to shift their stories from “I’m going to try and keep you stagnant because I don’t want to be left behind” to “wow – whatever you’re doing is working for you – I think I might want a piece of that”.
Where are you in your boundary journey?
Depending on where you are in the journey to build up your boundary muscle, this post might be filled with actionable advice. Or it might feel like I’ve left you hanging without any guidance on how to actually start building a healthy boundary!
Wherever you are on your boundary journey, I’ve got you covered. Check out my Boundary Quiz, answer a few questions and get a custom boundary building plan to meet you where you are. Not only do the boundary plans come with actionable steps to strengthen your boundary muscle, you’ll also get the Boundary Quick Start Guide with six simple questions to help you determine where to begin constructing your healthy boundaries.
And if you want to do a quick review on boundaries, check out Episode 5 and Episode 20 of the podcast.
If boundaries are an area you really want to focus on, there are also two books I’ve found particularly helpful – the first is the The Power of No by James Altucher and Claudia Azula Altucher which is particularly useful if you’re just starting your boundary journey. The second is Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend which is a great resource if you’ve been building your boundary muscle for a while.
And if you’d like to explore the possibility of individual support in your boundaries journey, I’d love to help – schedule a Personal Roadmap Discovery Call with me to start the conversation.
And remember – living your best life isn’t about changing your life – it’s about changing the way you show up for your life!
Show Notes
Mentioned in this Episode
Take the Boundary Quiz to get your custom Boundary Building Plan!
Check out Episode #5 all about boundaries and your responsibility for others.
Episode #20 covers boundaries around social obligations.
Discover how the psychological stress response impacts you.
Schedule a Personal Roadmap Discovery Session.
Get on the VIP list to have all podcast worksheets delivered to your inbox each Tuesday morning.
Submit your question to be featured on a future episode.
Books on Boundaries
The Power of No, by James Altucher & Claudia Azula Altucher
Boundaries, by Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend
