Are your people cheerleaders or fearleaders?
You might have heard this quote from Jim Rohn before “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
I don’t think that’s exactly true – we’re all unique individuals with our own unique values and priorities, life experiences, hopes and dreams, and paths to walk along.
However, I do feel strongly that if you have goals you’re looking to achieve, being conscious of the people you share those hopes and dreams with can make a big difference in your ability to make them a reality.
Crabs in a bucket
When you put a single crab in a bucket, it strives to climb out of the bucket, reaching for freedom. However, once there’s more than one crab in the bucket, instead of boosting each other up to escape, they’ll desperately pull any escaping crabs back down into the bucket.
One crab in a bucket is prime for escaping, two or more crabs in a bucket, and they’ll keep each other inside the bucket.
So why am I telling you about crabs?
Because when you’re surrounded by people who have a crab mentality (fear of being left behind), they will (usually unconsciously) do their best to sabotage your efforts to change – struggling to keep you in the bucket with them. Inside the bucket is known and no matter how uncomfortable it might be, it often feels safer than the unknown.
Why you need cheerleaders
When we get ready to make changes in our lives (big or small), it’s so much easier if we surround ourselves with people who not only believe that change is possible for us, but also serve as inspiration and cheerleaders during our journey of change.
These could be friends, family, groups of individuals with similar goals you meet online or through a local organization, or even someone famous who’s had an inspirational journey which mirrors the one you’re hoping to make.
If you told a friend you were going to start walking 10,000 steps a day, which response would help you get closer to achieving your goal?
“That sounds amazing – can we get together a few times a week for a nice long walk?” or
“I’ll believe it when I see it, I tried that once, and it’s totally impossible to do.”
You might feel inspired to prove your friend wrong in response to the second statement, but I bet you would have better long-term success with your goal if met with the first response.
The research behind accountability partners
The power of a cheerleader is magnified when you enlist them as an accountability partner. Studies have found people who have accountability buddies are 65% more likely to reach their goals than those who don’t. And if you have a regular check-in with your partner, that success rate soars to 95%.
Your accountability partner could be working toward the same goal as you (i.e. you’re both trying to eat healthier), or you could help hold each other accountable for taking action to reach your own individual goals (i.e. you’re trying to start a business, and they want to build a yoga habit).
A great way to get started is to set your goals and then schedule a regular check in with your accountability partner to let them know the progress you’ve made. And if you’re working toward the same goal, you can share tips and techniques that have helped each of you!
Knowing when and how to share
When an idea, hope, or dream is still in its infancy, something that lives just as a kernel of “I think I might like to. . .” or “I wonder what it would be like to. . .” or “Maybe I want to. . .”, those are ideas that you share only with someone you know will support you 100% no matter what.
This isn’t the time for a devil’s advocate or someone who will offer “but what if” scenarios. You don’t want to be talked out of a dream before it’s even formed! Often, I hang onto these ideas in my own head (or in my journal) until they’ve become a little more developed.
Once your goal has started to gel a little more and you feel confident you really do want to achieve it, that’s the time to start finding the right cheerleaders to share it with.
Not everyone is going to be the ideal cheerleader for every goal.
Your friend who struggles with her weight but runs a successful business she started from nothing. She might not be the best cheerleader when you decide to drop 10 pounds. But she might be an amazing cheerleader when you decide to start your own business.
Find the cheerleaders in your life who fit each goal. Share with them what you’re hoping to achieve, and ask them for their support in whatever way feels appropriate.
The role of the cheerleader
Cheerleaders are there to support you. They are not there to do the work for you. If you want to eat healthier, don’t expect your cheerleader to cook healthy meals for you (unless you hire a personal chef as a cheerleader). But if you have a friend who want to try a similar healthy diet, you might consider meal prepping together.
If the cheerleader is someone you know in real life, they might be able to show up and help you with the actual execution of a task. For instance – if you want to make your home feel more joyful, you might have your friends over for a painting party to add fresh color to your rooms.
If your cheerleaders are people you know in real life, or people you only have an online relationship with, they can help hold you accountable by checking in with you periodically on your progress toward your goal.
And if you identify cheerleaders who are famous people you don’t actually have access to, then consider printing out their photo or a short quote or story from their journey to add to your planner or tape up on your bathroom mirror as a reminder that they would be cheering you on if they were there with you.
Don’t forget that the best relationships are reciprocal. You not only need to have cheerleaders in your life, but you need to be a cheerleader as well. When someone tells you they have set a goal – find ways to be their cheerleader!
So what about the crabs
Just because they’re not cheerleaders, it doesn’t mean you need to remove the crabs from your life. But make sure the voices you listen to are those of people who are in alignment with your destination, not anchored at your starting point.
You might not share your goals with the crabs in your life. Or as noted above, you might be selective on which goals you share with people who might be a cheerleader in one area but a crab in another.
Finally, have compassion for the crabs in your life. Often they’re crabs because they set a goal and were unable to achieve it. It takes great strength to be knocked down and to pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, and try again. Sometimes the crabs in your life feel safer on the ground than getting up to try again. This doesn’t make them a bad person, just a bad cheerleader.
When I get ready to take a step that feels big or a little scary, I turn to my cheerleaders to get advice and support. And I wait to share that project or change with the crabs in my life, letting them know about it only once I’ve accomplished my goal or made great headway toward it.
Focus on the cheers, ignore the fears
If all you hear is – “you can’t do it” or “that’s just not possible”, it’ll be a thousand times harder to believe you can. (If you can’t get past the fears you have heard in the past, check out this post.)
However, if the voices around you are all saying – “I believe in you – you can do this!”, then it becomes so much easier to take the brave actions which will lead to changes in your life.
And once you make those changes, your cheerleaders – they will be there to celebrate with you – just as happy for your success as you are.
[…] a banner with them. Or perhaps you share them with friends and family who were part of your cheerleading team over the past year. Go with something that feels celebratory and festive for […]