Truly listening to the people around us – with tips to help build new habits
Ok, first, it’s important to note that my Mom reads this blog. Actually, she is one of my most loyal readers. And she is always excited when she makes a cameo in a post. The other day I had called to check in and see how she and my Dad were doing. I was also trying to edit a few photos so I could get an upcoming post scheduled before lunch. As we were talking she suddenly said – “Is this going to end up in a blog post?”. I paused realizing I wasn’t even sure what we had been talking about. I answered honestly that I wasn’t paying enough attention to retain the conversation we were having.
Then I had two simultaneous thoughts. First – “Ugh – I hate not being fully attentive to the person I am talking to.” And second – “Come on Kate – you know better than to divide your attention while on the phone.”
Luckily, my next thought was – learn the lesson and release the baggage (read this post for more on this topic). I didn’t continue to beat myself up, but I did use this situation as a reminder to reinforce one of my core values.
I think we should truly listen to the people around us. Not just have the words pass over us (in one ear and out the other), but absorb and process what they are saying.
The multitasking myth
You may have heard this before, but we can’t actually multitask like we think we can. Psychology Today notes that “there is no such thing as multitasking – at least not the way you may think of it.”
According to the report, engaging in two acts simultaneously is only possible if two conditions are met: “1) at least one of the tasks is so well learned as to be automatic, meaning no focus or thought is necessary to engage in the task (e.g., walking or eating) and 2) they involve different types of brain processing.”
So I can go on a walk with someone and the simple act of walking does not distract my attention from the conversation as it’s an automatic function and does not use the language processing center of my brain.
Same thing goes for eating lunch with a friend, my brain doesn’t need to split my attention between the conversation and chewing my meal.
What does not fall under this very limited definition of possible multitasking is utilizing pretty much any media while having a conversation. In this case what you are actually doing is shifting back and forth between two or more tasks quickly. Psychology Today describes this as “stepping on the gas then hitting the brakes, over and over”.
Enter the soapbox
My time is valuable – if there were 100 hours in each day I would still not be able to do everything I want to! In addition to work and chores to keep our home and lives in order, there are countless books to read, knitting and sewing projects, online classes to learn from, and so much more.
I value spending time with friends and family – whether in person or over the phone, that connection is a critical component of my day. I am happy to dedicate the time to these conversations. But I can get frustrated when I keep having the same conversation repeatedly because the person I am talking to is attempting to multitask while we are talking and as a result isn’t really listening to me.
Not only do I believe my time is valuable, I also believe that everyone else’s time is valuable too. I don’t want to be disrespectful of the time they have decided to carve out of their day to share with me any more than I want my time disrespected.
I bet you can tell when someone is not fully listening to you. You can hear the distraction of “multitasking” in their voice even if you can not see them to observe it. And I’m guessing it doesn’t feel great.
I heard someone recently who said – we’re all unique, but that doesn’t make us special. It is a painful truth, but I’m pretty sure you’re not the one person who is somehow able to have a conversation while checking your email and give each task your full attention the entire time.
When you’re having a conversation with someone, I believe you should truly listen to them. This means putting the phone down, walking away from the computer, closing the magazine you are flipping through, and/or turning off the radio, tv or podcast playing in the background.
How to break the multitasking habit
When it comes to the time you spend with others, there are a few tricks I have learned to help break the multitasking habit so many of us do without even realizing it.
When in person:
- If I’m out and about with someone, I always leave my phone in my purse. On silent. I don’t have it on the table where I am tempted to look at it. It doesn’t ring causing me to pull it out to “just check” who is calling. If you have children and want to be available in case of an emergency, assign a special ringtone or category to the person in charge of your kids – that way you can ignore any other calls.
- When entertaining at home or if out with multiple people who have a tendency to check their phones, I love the phone stack. In case you’re not familiar with it, all phones are piled up, face down in the middle of the table. (You’ll want to put your phone on silent or use the special ringtone note above.) If you’re out, the first person to pick-up their phone pays the bill – if you make it to the end of the meal and no one picked up the phone, then it’s split. For entertaining at home, the first person to pick up the phone does the dishes. (If you have children old enough to have their own phones, this is a great system for family dinners.)
- Make plans that do not involve technology. Go for a walk and leave your phones at home. Depending on where you live, you can even head out for a day-long adventure in an area without wifi or cell phone reception (many State and National Parks fall into this category). You will bring home memories of great conversations in addition to a wonderful experience.
When on the phone:
- I close my computer (or turn off the monitor), if I can’t see the screen, I won’t be distracted by it.
- I turn off the radio, television and podcasts. If Adam is watching something I go into another room (this both prevents me from being distracted as well as avoiding distracting him from what he’s watching).
- I tend to walk around the house while on the phone. (Remember walking and talking are one of the few multitasking exceptions.) By moving about the house, I’m not tempted to pop open my computer, to flip open a magazine, or to engage in any other distractions, I am on the move and simply walking and talking takes my full attention. Plus it helps me to rack up extra steps throughout the day!
Sometimes even with all of those steps, I do feel the pull of a distraction – there’s something that just must be done – getting dinner in the oven, a project for work I forgot needed to be completed in the next few hours, someone else is vying for my attention.
We’re all human, and none of us is perfect – this stuff happens. And when it happens, I try to always be honest with the person I’m talking to – letting them know they don’t have my full attention and can I talk to them later (after I finish my project, the next day, etc.)
A habit is hard to break, why bother if no one else is?
If you habitually divide your attention between conversations with the people around you and consuming media, it won’t be an overnight change. And if the people you’re trying to spend time with are constantly checking their social media feeds while talking to you it can feel pointless.
Here is why you should try anyway. First, you will be leading by example, the people in your life might realize that you are truly listening to them, observe what you are doing (or not doing) and follow in suit.
Second, by truly listening to people when they talk, you will begin to attract other people who share that value. This means that even if you see no change in your current social circle, you will be adding new friends who will share your appreciation for a conversation without “multitasking”. Finally, if this is a core value for you like it is for me, you will find it is a lot easier to like yourself when you are upholding your values.
Hoping you find some time each day to truly listen to those around you!
