How to create a self-care routine you will actually use
First, there are a few things we need to agree on in order for you to build a self-care routine you will actually implement and stick to.
Self-care isn’t selfish
This might go against everything you have been conditioned to believe. In our society, and especially as women, we learn to put the needs of others first. Often as children we are told that if we focus on ourselves and our needs we are being selfish or self-centered.
But here’s the truth – if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t have the mental, physical, or emotional energy to take care of anyone else. Check out this analogy from my recent Masterclass to understand why self-care is so important:
(Go here to get the full Masterclass and learn 5 Essential & Actionable Self-Care Techniques.)
Self-care isn’t optional
Often we treat self-care like a triage tool. We wait until things are really stressful and we are ready to lose it before we start thinking about finding ways to nourish ourselves.
Instead, we need to start thinking about self-care the same way we think about dinner. You eat healthy balanced meals to give your body the energy it needs. And similarly a self-care routine gives you the mental and emotional fortitude to tackle the challenges life throws at you.
And just like you would need to up your calorie count if you were training for an ultra-marathon and running a zillion miles a day, you also need to up your self-care when your mental and emotional reserves are under increased strain.
So the idea is not to use self-care techniques only once you are in crisis, but instead to use them everyday to prevent you from ever reaching a stage when you are in crisis. And as the stress and pressure increase in your life, the level of self-care also increases to help you maintain a healthy balance.
Before you create your self-care routine you need to get honest
You are going to need to be brutally honest with yourself here. If you barely have time to shower and brush your teeth in the morning, there is no way you are going to add in an hour long yoga class before work. And if your budget is so tight that you question purchasing a cup of fancy coffee when you meet a friend after work, you are probably not going to be able to add a weekly professional massage into your budget.
So the first step is to determine what will realistically fit into your schedule and your budget. This isn’t to say that you can avoid self-care entirely by blaming your schedule and your budget. Rather, you want to be realistic about what is doable given your current lifestyle so you can avoid setting yourself up for failure from the start.
When you set unrealistic goals for your self-care routine, you are bound to fail. And each time you fail, you have less incentive and motivation to try and establish a self-care habit again. We want to avoid that from the start by getting really honest with yourself about what is actually feasible for you.
Having said that, if you really think there is no way you can spare even ten minutes for self-care each day, then I urge you to check out my post on conducting a Personal Energy Audit and on Productive Procrastination. There are also tons of low-cost and no-cost options to start incorporating self-care into your life, so don’t let budget become a barrier for you.
What does self-care look like
Self-care is going to look different for everyone. It is an activity (or lack thereof) which leaves you feeling rested, restored, and nourished. For instance, most of the time I find cooking to be incredibly relaxing and restoring. Plus, I end up with nourishing food once I am done! However, if you are not comfortable in the kitchen, cooking could be much more stress inducing than stress relieving.
Try this exercise – think of something which gives you the feeling of a nice warm hug from someone you love. Maybe that is drinking a cup of tea and watching the birds outside? Perhaps it is yoga nidra or a restorative yoga class? What about digging your hands into the sun warmed earth as you garden? Anything that gives you that feeling is most likely a form of self-care for you.
Write it down and continue adding to the list. Use the feelings of rested, restored, and nourished as your guidelines. If you haven’t already, check out my post on the difference between self-care and self-work to ensure you understand the distinction when creating your list.
And if you need help getting started, check out my Masterclass on 5 Essential and Actionable Self-Care Techniques (this was originally recorded for non-profit employees during the holiday season, however these universal techniques have helped women from a variety of careers and are applicable not only during the holiday season but beyond).
Now plan it into your schedule
Go back to your honest look at your schedule and your budget. What on your self-care activities list fits into your current lifestyle? Maybe you would love to add in yoga but only have 15 minutes in the morning. There are tons of YouTube videos with short yoga sequences, or if you have an established practice, try a few warm-ups and then a couple of Sun Salutations.
Try to pick a specific activity or time of day to keep constant. The more you can make self-care a part of your daily routine, the less likely you will be to see it as optional. Perhaps you journal every evening before bed, or drink your morning coffee outside in nature before getting ready each day.
Whatever works for you, establish a baseline level of self-care that is part of your everyday.
But allow yourself grace to adjust
If you find your self-care techniques are no longer leaving you as nourished and restored as normal there are two things to consider:
First, is the technique no longer a good fit for you – this happens as we change and grow, something that once worked might no longer be a good fit. Perhaps you used to love journaling, but now find it to be more of a chore. It might come back into your life later on, but it is ok to let it go for the moment and replace it with something you find more nourishing right now.
Second, is the overall stress level in your life increasing and requiring an increase in your level of self-care? Maybe you need to add in an additional activity each day, or create extra self-care rituals on the weekends to see you through a particularly stressful time.
I know that you might be thinking “when life gets really stressful I don’t have the time for what I’m already doing, how can I add more in?”. But the truth is that you can’t afford not to take care of yourself during these times. Go back to the tea analogy. During times of high stress, you are drinking tea out of your cup much faster than normal. That means you need to pour tea into it much faster than normal to keep it full.
Revisit the posts on Personal Energy Audit and Productive Procrastination to help you reclaim time throughout your day that can be used for additional self-care.
Tell everyone around you about your self-care routine
Ok, not everyone. I’m guessing the cashier at the grocery store doesn’t need to know about it. But tell your friends and family. Explain what you are doing and why you are doing it. Make sure they understand that by taking care of yourself you can actually be more available to them.
Be super clear with anyone you live with what your new routine is going to look like and when it is going to take place. You not only want their help in keeping you accountable to yourself, but you also want to set up a boundary around this new routine to keep from being interrupted during your self-care time.
And if it makes it easier, make self-care a family affair. Perhaps you have an hour each evening when everyone in your house does something that constitutes a self-care activity for themselves. Perhaps you get out some craft supplies and all work on art projects together, or maybe you each go into separate spaces and focus on your own unique self-care activities. Not only will you get in your self-care with less resistance and interruption, you will be leading by example, helping your family all develop life-long self-care habits!
