What are your core values? And why is it such a big deal to know them?
First, I want to clarify something that had me stumped for a long time. Your core values are NOT society’s values – they’re something that’s unique to you.
When people talk about your values or your core values, what they’re referring to is the unique set of qualities, characteristics, actions and beliefs that you prioritize. And because we’re not cookie cutter people, these are going to be different for everyone!
Here’s a really simple example – think about your indulgent food of choice – the thing you turn to when you want a treat. For me, that’s chocolate. Maybe you reach for potato chips. Just because we pick different treats doesn’t make either of us wrong – it just means we’re different people!
What are your core values?
Your core values are what make you the person you are. These are the things you place the highest intrinsic value on.
Some might refer to your core values as your calling. Dr. John Demartini, a human behavioral specialist, notes that “what is really highest on your values is where you are going to excel.”
Core values could be one or two words, but I find it helps to clarify and align with your values when you use full sentences to describe them. For example, if you get joy from being the person in your family who’s always checking in and making sure everyone is taken care of and has what they need, you might list “loving” as a core value. However, if you instead describe this core value as “providing loving care and attention to my family” it will help you as you take steps to align your actions with your values.
Again, it’s important to remember that your core values are unique to you. If you think something’s important to you, but you’re unable to follow through on actions in alignment with it, that might actually be someone else’s core value you’re trying to adopt. Often as you do this work you discover that areas where you lack follow-through and motivation are connected to things that really aren’t important to you.
Why does it matter if I can list my core values?
When you’re living in alignment with your core values, you have something you’re excited to get up and do each and every morning. Dr. Demartini notes that “when we are living congruently with what we value most, we have the most resilience, adaptability, and the most eustress, because we are pursuing challenges that inspire us.”
(Eustress is good stress. It’s the pressure you feel to achieve a goal when you are positively challenged – for example, if you love hiking and climbing mountains, to tackle a mountain like Mount Everest would create eustress.)
So far this all sounds amazing right? Waking up each morning ready to tackle the day with excitement and energy?
Only without being able to name your core values, it’s very hard to align your life with them. Again, going back to the example in the previous section, if you just used the word loving, then would you know to prioritize taking care of your family? Or maybe you would find yourself volunteering at an animal shelter (also a loving act, but perhaps not in alignment with your highest core values), all the time wondering why you feel so drained at the end of the day.
Once you have a list of your core values, you can compare them to what you do on a daily basis.
If one of your core values is preparing delicious food to nourish people, but you work 60 hours a week in a bank and never have the energy to cook for yourself, family or friends, is it any wonder you’re tired and unsatisfied at the end of each day? Would you be happier if you made a big change like planning to shift into a career where you cook? Or maybe you can make a smaller change and cut back hours at your job once a week and volunteer at a soup kitchen?
When your 9-5 is not supporting your core values directly, it’s important to either find a new job that does, or recognize the ways in which your job is leading you toward more alignment with your core values.
Instead of your job being “in your way”, how can it be “on your way” to achieving alignment with these values? In what way(s) is your job helping you come into more alignment with your core values – by giving your time to pursue non-work activities, transferable skills which will benefit you as you move into greater alignment, or the funds to support activities directly tied to your core values.
So how do I figure out what my core values are?
It’s time to find a quiet hour or so, break out a journal, sign up above to get the Core Values Worksheet, and grab a cup of tea.
Start by helping yourself to get fully present using a breathwork practice or mindfulness technique, or a guided meditation.
Once you’ve brought your focus into the present moment and are ready to dive in, begin to work through the questions on the worksheet. You can either respond on the worksheet, or use a journal if you want more room to work through the ideas.
You’re doing this work for you, answer the questions with what feels honest to you – remember these are YOUR values, not society’s values. If you find yourself using words (either in your head or on paper) like “should”, “ought to”, “need to”, or “have to”, that’s a little warning sign that you’re probably borrowing someone else’s values. Cross those off the list, or rephrase/restate them in ways that are authentic to you.
This can be a difficult exercise. You may find some of the questions to be triggering. If you’re new to this type of inner work, it can be a struggle to separate your authentic core values from those that you believe society, your family, friends, and coworkers, expect your core values to be.
If you find you’re struggling with triggers or resistance, you may want to work on this for 15-20 minutes at a time, take a break, take a walk, come back to the work, or perhaps plan to dedicate 15 minutes a day to working through the questions.
When I first started to list my core values, I stared at a blank page for a long time, then I walked away. It took me a few days to get back to the exercise. I’m hopeful the Core Values Worksheet will help you find an entry point into beginning to uncover and clarify your core values.
Please feel free to skip around the worksheet, you don’t need to go in order – if a question feels triggering, skip it and move onto the next, come back to it when you’re more comfortable with the work.
Ok, so I have my core values and I know where I’m not in alignment, but there’s such a gap between the two, I feel like I should just give up.
Yeah, I get that feeling. I’ve been there. Here is how I got from A to G (Each day I work on getting closer to Z, but I know this is the journey of a lifetime).
First make a list of everything you’re doing right now that is in alignment with your core values. This could be little things, but include them – for example – if “leaving the environment in better shape than it was when I was born” is a core value and you carpool to work or you ride a bike or walk to run your errands, list that!
Once you have a list of actions you’re currently taking in alignment with your core values, take a moment and celebrate everything (big and little) that you’re doing already to honor and uphold those values.
Next, look at your list of values, pick one core value and consider, what’s one change you can make in your life over the next week to live in more alignment with that value?
Maybe “saving enough money so I can retire at 55” is one of your core values, can you start making your morning coffee at home instead of buying it at the coffee shop on the way to work? Start a retirement piggy bank (either physically or open a new bank account) and deposit your morning coffee money into that account. How much will you save over a year to bring you closer to that goal?
Every week or two, revisit your list, add one more step that you can take to be in better alignment with your core values. The more steps you take, the more momentum you’ll build. If you save the big things for when you have more practice, not only will you be more confident in tackling these changes, you’ll also have the strength that comes from already living in better alignment with so many of your core values.
If you have a week where you struggle, remember to be kind to yourself! Read this post on the art & importance of self-compassion if you need a refresher. Then get out your journal again and start writing.
Examine the change you were trying to make, is it truly in alignment with a core value, and is that core value truly your core value (or have you borrowed it from someone else).
If both of those are true, was there something going on during the week that prevented you from making a change? When major life stuff happens, it often takes precedence over everything else.
Was the change you were trying to make a little too far outside your comfort zone? Would you feel better revisiting it in a few months? You have permission to table anything you’re struggling with and revisit it at a later date. Failing to make a change does not make you a failure.
I have been doing all of the core values work, but stuff that used to feel nourishing just isn’t any more.
That happens. Our core values aren’t set in stone. They can change and shift over time.
If providing “loving care and attention to your family” was a core value when you had young children, it might not be as much of a priority when they are in college. Your core value of “growing a healthy ecosystem in my yard to support the local flora and fauna” might have become more of a priority. Instead of sending weekly care packages to your children, what if you spent more time in your garden?
Whenever you feel like something isn’t as fulfilling or satisfying as it once was, it’s a great opportunity to revisit your core values.
You don’t need to understand why things changed, just acknowledging that they have changed is enough. Once you’ve identified your updated core values, begin the process of seeing where you’re in alignment, and where you can move into better alignment.
You can also revisit the Core Values Worksheet and review your core values on an annual basis. Some people like to do this type of work at the end/start of the year. I like to use my birthday as an opportunity to take stock of where I am and where I want to be. It’s a great way to celebrate everything I’ve accomplished and set goals for the upcoming year.
Wishing you the sense of ease, happiness and satisfaction that comes from living in alignment with your core values.
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